The Day I Lost My Husband, Part Two

05/06/2019

I thought that dad was wanting Matt to come up to the office and do some work. When I was checking my phone, he walked out of his door and was either on the phone or was trying to get on the phone. I called Chris back and he answered. He said he was just asking what I was up to; he’s a damn good actor too. By Chris, I couldn’t tell anything was wrong per say, but little did I know, he already knew and was trying to find out where I was. I called Diana back. She didn’t answer. She texted me and asked if I was working that day. I didn’t call the 901 number back because I thought it was spam like it always was, except for this time. 

Dad was trying to get away from me. He was on the phone with a THP officer that was higher up in rank (not sure what his official title was). He asked his friend who was the THP officer if that was his son in-law. The friend asked Dad what Matt’s name was; he told dad that his name did not sound familiar. Dad got off the phone and I asked what was going on. We were outside of his office past his awning on the walkway. Dad bent down and was kinda catching his breath; he said later that he had had chest pains. Then he told me: he said, “There’s been a trooper killed in Haywood County, but it’s not Matt.” 

I checked Matt’s location but it wasn’t letting me see anything: it said location not available. I texted him and said, “Can you please answer me.” No answer. My phone sent it as a text message (we both had iPhones). I don’t remember if I called him. Dad and I were around his truck and I told him about the 901 number and I said, “I wonder if that’s someone trying to get a hold of me.” I asked, “Should I call them back?” So I did. He answered. I thought it was an old employee at Maxxguard, it wasn’t. I realized that after I hung up. I called back and briskly explained that to him. I told him that there had been a trooper killed in Haywood County and that I couldn’t get a hold of Matt. He said he would get back to me. I got a Facebook message from one of Matt’s friends that said something along the lines of, “Hey, I heard about Matt. What happened?” Like REALLY? His damn wife can’t even officially find out her HUSBAND was killed before you message her and try to find out what happened? I really need to let that go. But people need to learn. I mean...what if his wife was me? I really REALLY DO NOT want anyone else to ever go through this.

I said that surely if it wasn’t him that he would call and let me know if he knew that I knew there was a trooper killed. I said that several times. Throughout that afternoon. Throughout that hour of uncertainty, waiting, anxiety. 

Time went on.

And time went on.

We probably waited for like an hour before we officially knew. Thank the Lord I was at Maxxguard and not home alone or something like that. God really knew what He was doing for sure. Even through all this crap and tragedy, God took care of me, He takes care of me every single minute of every day, and He will continue to. 

God provided with His peace and understanding throughout the whole process after I knew it was official.

After I got mad at Him because I was gonna be a 23 year old widow. (Can’t wait to be 24, by the way). 

Phil. 4:7.

There was a time when I just kinda knew. 

It wasn’t official. But it didn’t make sense that he wasn’t answering if it wasn’t him. Nelle was outside with me. I was outside of dad’s office under the awning. Or maybe I was outside at some points. I’m not sure. I called Reasons. Chris was on the phone too. I was crying. I told Reasons I was scared. He later told me that he couldn’t take it and broke down so he handed the phone to Chris. They told me they didn’t know. But in reality, they were trying to find out where I was so they could be there when THP came to make the death notification (that’s what they do). They felt so bad for lying to me. I asked Chris if he could come up here and he said that he would ask his supervisor. Then we hung up.

I sat in dad’s office in that black chair. There are two in his office. Nelle was in there with me. Krysti was in there with me. I had a trash can in case I had to throw up. I had a water. I had my phone. My blue iPhone XR with my confetti phone case with a mark on it from where I probably dropped it. I remember the night I opened it. We were fixing to go to Memphis to Main Event. I remember being in Brette’s garage, but I don’t know if I put it on down there or if I did upstairs at our digs. 

I don’t remember when, but I made the comment (and I believe Hector was in the room) that I was glad I didn’t wear makeup that day. 

My mom has a police scanner at home, that’s where she was. I’m not sure exactly what happened, but she talked to Ms. Debbie. I’m not exactly sure how, Mom found out that it was Matt. My dad called my mom and told her to come on to the office. So my mom got in her car along with Tipper and came on.

I kept asking Krysti or Nelle if the troopers were coming or if a trooper was coming; I couldn’t see from where I was sitting in that black chair. It’s funny… I can sit in that chair to this day. And I’m okay. That’s God right there. Forreal. I believe Dad came in the office and I was scared he was gonna tell me something. But he didn’t. He went back outside and the troopers started pulling up. The trooper got out of the car and dad asked if it was Matt and the trooper said yes. Dad said, “I’m gonna go tell my daughter.”

I can’t even imagine how Dad felt walking down that hallway. I imagine it still haunts him. That long, white/grey hallway. Each step leading closer to telling me, his little girl. He said in an interview later that that was the hardest thing he had to do was tell me. He came up to me and got on his knees and said, “He’s gone.” I hugged him and said, “No.” I told him, “I love you, Daddy.” He said he loved me too. At that point, the troopers weren’t coming in yet. After Dad got up, I immediately hugged Krysti’s waist, she was on my left side. Nelle was to the right near the other black chair. At one point, I asked for Hector. He just held me. 

I can’t remember at what point this happened, but I was angry at God like I said earlier. I was 23 and was gonna be a widow. “Just another funeral to plan,” I said. The anger didn’t last long. I remember Hector had to calm me down at one point. 

I can’t remember the order, but the troopers started to come in. Wendorff came over to me and gave me the official death notification. I said, “I know.” And poor Wendorff...I was all over him. I turned around and saw Reasons. I quickly walked over to him and he just held me and he said he was so sorry. Then I hugged Chris and he told me it would be okay. I hugged Brook after that. Then there was my mom, I think. I can’t remember exactly when she and Tipper got there. Countless staff of the THP talked to me that day; gave me business cards. Wendorff was assigned to me. I’m so glad he’s the one who gave me the official death notification. He was Matt’s coworker and friend; I was friends with his wife. Wendorff were buddies. So it was a really good thing that they attached him to my hip. He wanted to give the death notification because he knew me. They weren’t going to let him at first, but then they did. And thank the good Lord they did!

I’m also really REALLY glad that it was my dad who told me.

To be continued…

XOXO

Anna

Posted: 03/24/2020